In the Rearview – Reframing Traumatic Relationships To Love Again

Sometimes we’re struck with epiphanies throughout our healing processes, that help facilitate alleviating the heavy load you bear while healing from traumatic relationships. The process of healing seems to stagnate, until one day you have a new realization that’s been buried, and waiting for discovery. Recently I was struck with one such epiphany that hit me like a load of bricks:

I thought to myself, “Would they have been MEMORABLE if he didn’t ABUSE me?” Then, I took a deep, raggedy breath.

At that moment, I felt a flood of chemicals flowing into my brain. I continued my train of thoughts: “Did he even have anything to offer aside from the abuse?” In my experience, he did not. Once that epiphany flooded my sensibilities, I felt slightly more free from the suffocation from this particular trauma.

This isn’t always the case, but for many of us, it takes a shift in perspective to break-free from the trauma we’ve experienced.

Healing from Traumatic Relationships – Reconciling My Abuser

Many of us, who have experienced trauma from an abusive romantic relationship, struggle to break free of the pain that was inflicted upon us. In some cases, we retain a level of attachment to our abusers, When you realize you chose to overlook their flaws to see the good in them, you’re realize even moreso that you lowered your standards for them.

In my experience, I definitely lowered my standards to be with someone. When I entered this particular former relationship, I was in an extremely dark place after a total heartbreak, with someone who also didn’t deserve me.

My self-esteem was in hell.

Looking back, it was worse than I realized. This person seemed like he wanted to bring me joy. We had so much fun together! We moved so quickly, that I was barely able to catch my breath before I found myself knee deep in emotional commitment.

I was trapped. I stopped going out. The abuse was so egregious–and so frequent–it caused the autoimmune disease I already had to go measurably out of control, from the enormous stress. In fact, I’m still dealing with the impacts of this on my health, 4 years later.

When I had the aforementioned epiphany, I realized this man had absolutely nothing to offer! He really ended up being no more than a step above a “hobosexual”. He wasn’t attractive to begin with, and then he had gained a substantial amount of weight. It made him feel worse about himself than he already did. We couldn’t even have sex anymore, due to both his weight and his self-esteem! He didn’t cook, didn’t clean, stayed underemployed, and didn’t even help with his own child that would visit us.

Couldn’t he have at least been good to look at?! 🤣

You weren’t played, like you may think.

Abusive people rarely show their true colors from the start. You didn’t deserve the abuse, but you do deserve to heal, to love yourself, and to find happiness. Let’s acknowledge that you were strong enough to survive, and move forward.

Finding Love After Trauma

Healing from traumatic relationships is a messy, dirty business. Healing on purpose is a true act of self-love. When it feels like you’re trudging through the mud of traumatic memories, it can feel quite crushing. But then, something-or someone!-comes along and jolts you awake, forcing you to confront the darkness head-on.

There are a few things to consider, when it comes to loving yourself and others again.

• Practicing self-love is crucial. If you’re struggling on the path to self-love, please check out my blog How To Practice Self-Love, Even When You Can’t, to learn how to help get started in creating healthier brain patterns.
• Trusting someone will feel like dying; but you’re not. Learning what the red flags are of an abusive person is important, but try not to do the “shoot first; ask questions later” thing. That is never productive, and can harm more than it heals.
• Healing from traumatic relationships will take longer than you think; but that’s okay. You still deserve love!
• If a relationship is your end goal, you should be aware that some parts of healing can only occur when you’re actively in a relationship. The reason being is that when you’re single, there is no one capable of pushing the buttons your former partner used to push.

Sometimes, all it takes is a moment of clarity to realize just how utterly insignificant they truly are and were.

Healing is a work-in-progress, but it’s also a conscious decision. At least, it has been for me. I’ve been through therapy, I read books, deconstructed brain patterns, and actively worked to give myself the love I deserved.

Clearing The Brain Fog

When you’re healing from trauma, suddenly, something may shift. You may wake up, the fog will lift and grant you clarity you needed to move forward. This realization was both humbling and empowering for me, which awakened me to the true nature of my abuser.

You still have to unpack the trauma, and lick the wounds that have been festering for so long. Think of minimizing your abuser as a radical tool for reframing abuse – a gift that can help you rise above the pain. Like a fleeting orgasm, their power over us dissipates, leaving behind a sense of our own strength and safety. And maybe a little euphoria. 😉

I want you to know that it’s not your fault. You didn’t ask to be hurt, used, and have your feelings discarded. You were taken advantage of, and that’s not something to be ashamed of; it’s a testament to your heart.