Sometimes we’re struck with epiphanies throughout our healing processes, that help facilitate alleviating the heavy load you bear while healing from traumatic relationships. The process of healing seems to stagnate, until one day you have a new realization that’s been buried, and waiting for discovery. Recently I was struck with one such epiphany that hit me like a load of bricks:

I thought to myself, “Would they have been MEMORABLE if he didn’t ABUSE me?” Then, I took a deep, raggedy breath.

At that moment, I felt a flood of chemicals flowing into my brain. I continued my train of thoughts: “Did he even have anything to offer aside from the abuse?” In my experience, he did not. Once that epiphany flooded my sensibilities, I felt slightly more free from the suffocation from this particular trauma.

This isn’t always the case, but for many of us, it takes a shift in perspective to break-free from the trauma we’ve experienced.

Healing from Traumatic Relationships – Reconciling My Abuser

Many of us, who have experienced trauma from an abusive romantic relationship, struggle to break free of the pain that was inflicted upon us. In some cases, we retain a level of attachment to our abusers, When you realize you chose to overlook their flaws to see the good in them, you’re realize even moreso that you lowered your standards for them.

In my experience, I definitely lowered my standards to be with someone. When I entered this particular former relationship, I was in an extremely dark place after a total heartbreak, with someone who also didn’t deserve me.

My self-esteem was in hell.

Looking back, it was worse than I realized. This person seemed like he wanted to bring me joy. We had so much fun together! We moved so quickly, that I was barely able to catch my breath before I found myself knee deep in emotional commitment.

I was trapped. I stopped going out. The abuse was so egregious–and so frequent–it caused the autoimmune disease I already had to go measurably out of control, from the enormous stress. In fact, I’m still dealing with the impacts of this on my health, 4 years later.

When I had the aforementioned epiphany, I realized this man had absolutely nothing to offer! He really ended up being no more than a step above a “hobosexual”. He wasn’t attractive to begin with, and then he had gained a substantial amount of weight. It made him feel worse about himself than he already did. We couldn’t even have sex anymore, due to both his weight and his self-esteem! He didn’t cook, didn’t clean, stayed underemployed, and didn’t even help with his own child that would visit us.

Couldn’t he have at least been good to look at?! 🤣

You weren’t played, like you may think.

Abusive people rarely show their true colors from the start. You didn’t deserve the abuse, but you do deserve to heal, to love yourself, and to find happiness. Let’s acknowledge that you were strong enough to survive, and move forward.

Finding Love After Trauma

Healing from traumatic relationships is a messy, dirty business. Healing on purpose is a true act of self-love. When it feels like you’re trudging through the mud of traumatic memories, it can feel quite crushing. But then, something-or someone!-comes along and jolts you awake, forcing you to confront the darkness head-on.

There are a few things to consider, when it comes to loving yourself and others again.

• Practicing self-love is crucial. If you’re struggling on the path to self-love, please check out my blog How To Practice Self-Love, Even When You Can’t, to learn how to help get started in creating healthier brain patterns.
• Trusting someone will feel like dying; but you’re not. Learning what the red flags are of an abusive person is important, but try not to do the “shoot first; ask questions later” thing. That is never productive, and can harm more than it heals.
• Healing from traumatic relationships will take longer than you think; but that’s okay. You still deserve love!
• If a relationship is your end goal, you should be aware that some parts of healing can only occur when you’re actively in a relationship. The reason being is that when you’re single, there is no one capable of pushing the buttons your former partner used to push.

Sometimes, all it takes is a moment of clarity to realize just how utterly insignificant they truly are and were.

Healing is a work-in-progress, but it’s also a conscious decision. At least, it has been for me. I’ve been through therapy, I read books, deconstructed brain patterns, and actively worked to give myself the love I deserved.

Clearing The Brain Fog

When you’re healing from trauma, suddenly, something may shift. You may wake up, the fog will lift and grant you clarity you needed to move forward. This realization was both humbling and empowering for me, which awakened me to the true nature of my abuser.

You still have to unpack the trauma, and lick the wounds that have been festering for so long. Think of minimizing your abuser as a radical tool for reframing abuse – a gift that can help you rise above the pain. Like a fleeting orgasm, their power over us dissipates, leaving behind a sense of our own strength and safety. And maybe a little euphoria. 😉

I want you to know that it’s not your fault. You didn’t ask to be hurt, used, and have your feelings discarded. You were taken advantage of, and that’s not something to be ashamed of; it’s a testament to your heart.

Have you been asked to get freaky on the phone? If you’ve never done it before, chances are you’re wondering about the basics of how to have phone sex! We explore how intimidating phone sex can be, and offer up some quick tips to enhance your experience so you can have your own set of “Eargasms”!

Kiss Me Through the Phone: Quick Tips for Mind-Blowing Phone Sex

Do you have a long distance partner you need to satisfy? Sometimes you need to add a little spice to your Digital Getdowns, because they can’t WAIT to get you on the phone, girl!

Phone sex is a fun and very common way to ignite passion when you cannot physically be with your person. Sometimes you need to express your intimate connection via a more creative means, and phone sex is the primary way to do this! Of course, you can enhance all of this with a simple video cam session, but that may be for advanced users! 🤭 For now, let’s get you going on the basics, so you’ll be screaming your partners’ name into your phone, quickly!

Set the Mood
Phone sex can be awkward at first, but once you get turned on, you may lose exhibitions. It’s important to set the mood for, not only your partner but, for yourself! Do whatever it takes to get you in the mood.  Make sure you’re in a spot where you won’t be disturbed. Don’t be afraid to dim the lights and light a candle or two. Then think of how your partner would want to see you; put on some sexy panties that make you feel good.

Undoubtedly, they’re going to ask what you’re wearing. If you aren’t good at making it up, actually putting on something sexy definitely helps!

Paint Fantasy With Words
You only have words, so you have to make it count! You can even express desires you’ve held back from! It starts with your imagination. Be descriptive and let the words flow. Be specific and paint a picture in their heads. When things really get dirty, make sure you start describing what you’re doing, but be sensual about it! No one wants to hear how good your glass toy feels in your pussy, if you’re saying it like you’re ordering lunch (dos tacos, por favor!).

Talk about what you’d like to do to your partner and what you wish they were doing to you. Remember, the goal is to arouse and be aroused, so speak slowly, and don’t be afraid to let them hear you moan! Phone sex is the perfect opportunity to explore fantasies that you might not act out in real life. If you’re feeling brave, add something new into the conversation, even if it’s a little out-of-character. If you’re creating a safe space with your partner, you can discuss every little kink you’ve ever thought of, and base your phone sex sesh on that!

Engage the Senses
Hearing is obvious, but you can expand stimulation in a few ways! Try asking them to touch themselves a certain way, or explain how you’re using your toys. Let them guide you, and vice versa. This helps create the connection, and will definitely result in a steamier conversation!

Read Romance or Erotic Novels
If you’re having trouble finding your words, try giving erotic short stories or romance novels a try. Sometimes we have trouble putting feelings and sensations into words, and taking cues from well-written erotica (or even audio erotica!) can certainly help you keep the put simmering, by expanding your sexual imagination.

Listen and Respond
Good phone sex is a two-way street. It’s not just about talking; it’s about listening, too. Pay attention to the cues in your partner’s voice—their breaths, the speed of their speech, the tone. Respond to these cues by escalating the intensity of your own voice or by switching up the pace to match their arousal. Create a rhythm of banter, to exchange erotic thoughts, feelings, and enhance your full experience.

Hopefully we’ve given you a good rundown of the basics of how to have phone sex! Phone sex is an exhilarating way to enhance intimacy, even for partners that have access for each other. Sometimes, sex isn’t convenient for a number of reasons. Embrace fantasy, embrace words, and learn where your imagination can take you, together. If you haven’t done this before, don’t be afraid to allow your partner to lead! Sometimes, experience isn’t something to be jealous of. 😉

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The Alchemy of Love – A Love Letter to My Past

While I have never been keen on dating advice, I am also not one to hide my stories and share what I have learned. While I may not share these stories with anyone unprompted, I felt inspired to write a bit about how I have learned to become a better partner, find an ideal partner, and how I’ve managed to keep faith in love, in spite of the pain and sorrow peppered throughout my love life lore.

In my age and wisdom, I have found that when it comes to love, age has come with wisdom. That wisdom came from loving freely, and believing completely that giving love meant that I should expect it in return.

Well, love doesn’t quite work like that.

Perhaps it’s the current astrological transits, or perhaps because I’m ruminating on getting older. Perhaps it’s the feeling of finally being in a loving, safe situation with the actual ideal partner. Whatever it may be, I have found myself reflecting on the dramatics of my love life, from passionate nights to heavy traumas, and how they have impacted me as the partner I have become.

As I reflect on my ability to fully comprehend the joy of my life, I find I was not always this amorous. This time, I have found myself reflecting on past mistakes, triumphs, and glories that have led me to this place in my life where I finally feel secure. I feel loved, and appreciated and experience passion every day of my life, and I wouldn’t have manifested this without learning from my mistakes. One critical portion of my unsolicited dating advice: learn from your mistakes.

Alchemy is the practice of taking something; an object, a thought, a desire, and turning it into something new. It’s the magical process of transformation, creation, or combination. And all you need is to see love and life for what it is, in actuality.

Experiencing Romantic Love 

This could be a controversial statement, but: Love is not unusual, nor is it hard to find. Good, honest love is hard to find, but love itself?

Working with the belief that LOVE is as much of an emotion as it is an action and activity to participate in, helps put things into perspective. It’s easy to have a bad relationship and think you didn’t LOVE that person.

Sometimes that action, in love, is simply “being in a relationship” or “enjoying a passionate night together”. You can find love anywhere. You can find sexual passion in a bar, you can find a lover on an app. Sometimes we look for love in “all the wrong places,” but sometimes you get it right!

I fundamentally believe that romantic love is meant to be experienced in various times of your life, including when you’re too young to understand it. Lovers are meant to come and go, as are friends. Lovers are here to teach. Some may call them soul mates, even, or soul partners.

Many people have different beliefs on soul mates, and mine leaves room for multiple people to come into your lives. I don’t believe in “twin flames”, or in soul mates in the conventional sense of the word. I believe in the Elizabeth Gilbert philosophy of soulmates, which spoke to me after one of the hardest breakups I have ever experienced in my life. This can be taken as a piece of relationship or dating advice, as you move through your quest to find love.

Some relationships aren’t meant to last forever, even if you want them to last. This is where your life lessons come in, and taking lessons from your relationship is critical to finding something that suits you. If you want to see the OWN interview where Elizabeth Gilbert said this, you can watch it here. It came to me at an extremely impactful time.

Dating Advice – Learn From Your Relationships

After leaving a long-term relationship, I found myself a little confused as to the type of person I really wanted in my life. I knew it wasn’t my ex, but I was not sure where I wanted to go from there. 

Falling victim to the romantic idea of “what could have been,” I came across a man I had dated in the past. We dated in our twenties, and it was fun! It did not work out, and he spent many, many years wondering about me now and again. He knew he screwed up back then, and made sure to address it when speaking to me again. 

There were a few times he had reached out over the years, and I was usually in another relationship. But this time, I was single. He was just my type! This guy had a good job, he lived on his own, and took care of himself. However, it wasn’t long until he started getting more vulnerable, then started acting odd and distant.

As gung-ho as he was about a second chance with me, he slowly withdrew. I tried prompting him about it, and it was like talking to a wall. So, I left it alone. I simply did not reach out anymore.

It’s Not Always Personal

At the time, I was feeling glad I had not slept with him yet. While the lesson may seem obvious, I feel like the lesson was even deeper than not falling for “what could have been”. We ain’t Ashanti OR Nelly. This isn’t going to work out. 

It was learning that no matter what happens, no matter how much time has passed, most people do not change. To me, the lesson was that those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it. 

These same themes can be repeated even in relationships that had nothing to do with the original.

All of this helped me arrive at the most critical piece of dating advice I can give: Be truly intentional when picking your partner. Knowing what you want and don’t want is key.

Applying The Lessons

I fundamentally believe you can love someone in spite of their faults, and want to see the best in them. Otherwise flawed people would have never received our love to begin with. However, you’re not learning from love if you are not applying the lessons. 

We love humans; we don’t love products. There are human responses to things that may be considered positive or detrimental. When you begin to learn what is detrimental to you specifically, you need to take a step back when that is demonstrated in a partner.

You’ve already been there, baby.

Patterns repeat until they’re disrupted, and your job is to disrupt the pattern. Whether it be by a breakup, a conversation or something else. I have said it before and I’ll say it again, but when it comes to partnerships, closed mouths don’t get fed.

Understanding what you have experienced is crucial to enhance your own human experience. We learn not to touch a hot stovetop because it’s hot, but we don’t like to apply that to people that may not have the best intentions or who may be stumbling through their life journey. I’m telling you that if we aren’t applying what we learn, we are going to have the same experiences over and over. 

Whether it’s learning how to implement boundaries, learning what you truly want in a partner, or even learning to accept accountability– these are all lessons I have taken from relationships to help me grow. This is when life became fruitful.

Expecting Imperfection

People don’t come out of the box perfect. Our manufacturer didn’t design us in the same way a product is placed into production. Accepting your own flaws, as well as the flaws of others, is just a small piece of the dating advice sprinkled throughout this piece. There are no plans, so that means we come with faults. They are inherent. This is human. This is our gift and our curse. 

We cannot expect perfection where we are imperfect, ourselves. When we give our love to someone, it should be immediately reflected in our own self-love. After all, if we’re putting faith in someone else, we should be able to put a little into ourselves as well, no?

To all those I’ve loved before,

The ones with unique faces, big ears, curly hair, long hair, no hair. To the ones who were fat and bald and imperfect; the ones who had doll faces and long locks; the ones who wanted me to swing, the ones who were sexually confused. Oh! And we cannot forget the ones who ran the spectrum of ethnicities, the ones who have hurt me, the ones who have loved me–genuinely or disingenuously…

You all taught me valuable lessons, harshly and softly. Once I healed from the friction of your love or pain, those lessons became law. Pain became transmuted, and I created something even greater out of myself and my life. The “Sorcerer’s Stone,” if you will. For that, I thank you. 

And that, is the Alchemy of Love.

To Me. 💋

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Sexual taboos have been a part of society for ages! But what if I told you that some of these taboos could actually benefit you? Let’s debunk these myths and explore how embracing certain sexual taboos can be good for your well-being. This list is by no means exhaustive, and they’re certainly not all meant for everyone.

This is a list of fun ideas to help ignite the potential in your bedroom! My advice:  proceed with caution! Make sure you understand your own boundaries before making any changes in your relationship. Not all of these ideas will work for everyone, but we should all be aware of the ways “taboo” ideals can improve our love lives.

7 Sexual Taboos (That Are Good For You)

1. The Power of Role-playing

Have you ever dabbled in acting? 🎭  Whether you’re exploring a new persona or enacting a fantasy, role-playing adds an element of excitement and playfulness to your intimate encounters.

The beauty of role-playing lies in its ability to break down inhibitions. This opens a door to candid conversations about desires and preferences. You can explore hidden facets of your personality and unleash a sense of freedom in expressing your deepest fantasies. Role-playing goes beyond the physical act – it delves into the realms of emotion and imagination, enriching your sexual experiences with a touch of theatricality and intrigue.

2. Exploring BDSM Dynamics

Diving into BDSM dynamics can foster trust, communication, and a deeper understanding of your desires and boundaries. This realm of sexual exploration transcends mere physicality, delving deep into the psychology of power dynamics and consent. Contrary to misconceptions, BDSM is grounded in mutual respect and clear communication. This creates space for partners to navigate complex desires and boundaries openly.

Exploring BDSM dynamics encourages individuals to confront their vulnerabilities and communicate their needs effectively, fostering personal growth and self-acceptance. By engaging in safe, sane, and consensual practices, partners can build a strong foundation of trust and understanding, paving the way for transformative experiences that transcend the confines of conventional relationships. So, don’t be afraid to delve into the world of BDSM; embrace the complexities, explore your boundaries, and nurture a deeper sense of connection with your partner.

3. The Beauty of Sensory Deprivation

Sensory deprivation can enhance sensitivity, intensify pleasure, and increase mindfulness during intimate moments, leading to a profound sensory experience. In a world filled with constant stimuli, the art of sensory deprivation offers a unique opportunity to heighten awareness and focus on the sensations of the present moment. By limiting external distractions, individuals can delve into a state of heightened sensitivity, where even the slightest touch can send waves of pleasure through their being.

The beauty of sensory deprivation lies in its ability to create a cocoon of intimacy, where partners can connect on a profound level by immersing themselves in the sensory experience. By removing the distractions of sight, sound, and other stimuli, individuals are able to tap into their primal instincts and enhance their connection with each other. Sensory deprivation invites individuals to explore the depths of their desires and emotions, allowing for a more intimate and fulfilling sexual encounter.

4. Open Relationships: Honesty and Freedom from Sexual Taboo

This “sexual taboo” is definitely not for everyone! Be that as it may, many include it within our sexual repertoire to excellent results! To me, it boils down to more of a societal taboo. Be warned: It does require a huge unlearning process, if you’re conditioned for monogamy.

Non-monogamous relationships can provide opportunities for emotional growth, self-discovery, and the celebration of diverse forms of love and connection. The traditional view of relationships often limits the scope of love and intimacy to monogamous partnerships. By embracing non-monogamy, individuals can explore the fluidity of human connections. This allows for a deeper understanding of themselves and their capacity for love.

5. Sex Toys in the Bedroom

Integrating sex toys into your sexual repertoire can provide a lot of surprising benefits! They can enhance pleasure, improve sexual health, and encourage exploration of your own body and desires. The stigma surrounding sex toys as taboo or shameful has long inhibited individuals from exploring the vast landscape of pleasure they offer. However, incorporating sex toys into intimate encounters can lead to a deeper understanding of one’s body, preferences, and erogenous zones, enhancing the overall sexual experience.

The liberation of sex toys lies in their ability to ignite passion, creativity, and spontaneity in the bedroom, transforming routine encounters into exciting and experimental adventures. Whether used solo or with a partner, sex toys can open up new avenues of pleasure, stimulating both the body and the mind. By embracing the diverse functions and forms of sex toys, individuals can break free from societal taboos and embrace a more fulfilling and liberated sexual expression.

6. The Art of Dirty Talk

Engaging in dirty talk can heighten arousal, improve communication in the bedroom, and enhance intimacy by verbalizing desires and fantasies. The power of words in the realm of intimacy is profound, capable of evoking desire, building anticipation, and strengthening emotional bonds. Dirty talk offers a playful and exciting way to express fantasies and exercise consent. This expands intimacy, creating a shared language of intimacy between partners.

Start simple with telling them that you love how they feel. Let your creative juices flow!

7. Reclaiming Sexual Wellness Through Tantra

The essence of Tantra lies in its emphasis on presence, awareness, and intention during intimate moments, creating a space for deep emotional connection and profound pleasure. By incorporating Tantric practices into your sexual routine, you can tap into an expansive reservoir of sexual energy and connection, leading to a heightened sense of arousal and intimacy. Tantra invites individuals to explore the intersection of spirituality and sexuality, reclaiming sexual wellness as a sacred and transformative journey.

What are some other fun ideas to keep things brewing in the bedroom? Let’s get rid of the stigma of sexual taboos, together! Comment below, or let me know on social media!

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Want to learn how to feel sexier? If you’re struggling to feel sexy, babe– you are not alone! As I have grown older, I have realized how sexiness is not one-dimensional. Conventional attractiveness or not, love isn’t only exclusive to the most beautiful among us. There are dozens of things that go into attraction!

When battling with my body throughout the years–going from size-to-size–I have found that there isn’t a great way to escape self-criticism without intentional conditioning. I remember when I was in my early twenties, I had an undiagnosed disorder. It caused me to gain weight and also kept me from losing weight.

How to Feel Sexier – Conditioned Self-Love

One evening, I was out having an excellent time with an old friend. She and I took photos together, we imbibed, and had a fabulous girls’ night. When the photos were unveiled, I was horrifyingly embarrassed by my relaxed GUT.

Okay, it was more than “relaxed”.

The kicker: she was a larger girl. When she went to intentionally lose weight some months later, she used that same photo of us, as her BEFORE photo. While demonstrating her weight loss in a solo “After” photo.

She LEFT me in the photo. There I was gazing at my unaddressed gut, while my friend flaunted her new body. Pictured right next to me, no less!

Naturally, feeling self-conscious, I asked her to crop me out. She declined. I was absolutely stewing inside and felt humiliated, but the experience clearly left a mark. In spite of such Mean Girl behavior, I took it with about as much grace as anyone could muster, and dropped it.

Framed this way, it was certainly humiliating. Though, looking back, it was less about my appearance than it was about my friendship. However, I do still wonder if I would have had an easier time swallowing it then, had I managed to accept my body for what it was.

People and society have ways to bring us down, and show us our insecurities. And sometimes the wrong people do it on purpose, when none of it matters. Now, I am glad body positivity exists, because it certainly helped me accept my body along the way, in my own personal health journey.

Here are the things I have kept in mind over the years to keep my head straight, regardless of my size:

5 Perspectives for a Body Positive Mindset

Add Something Sensually Inspired Into Your Daily Routine: 

In terms of how to feel sexier, this has the most immediate effects. Put on something that looks good on you. Wear the perfume you bought for special occasions. Wear that bold lipstick you’ve been putting off wearing. Sometimes a little red lipstick goes a long way. Ain’t nothing a little red lipstick can’t fix.

Put on those sexy panties. You deserve to feel good.

Move your body.

Even in a larger body, you should be moving. Practicing movement at every stage in your body acceptance journey is helpful! Not only does exercise boost feel-good chemicals known as endorphins, but it keeps you mobile, keeps you healthy, and you’ll get stronger overtime.

Move as much as you are able. It has many positive effects! Even if it’s just a sensual dance around your apartment, put on that music and enjoy it for once.

Curate Your Exposure.

I’ve been working in the adult industry for many years now. I can tell you a few things: there is no single type of “attractive”. I have seen hundreds of pornstars cycle through, during my time working in the industry. One thing I can say is that they ALL look different. Thick girls, plain girls, small tits, BBW, big tits, fake tits, saggy tits, bellies, 6 packs, fit women, blonde, brunette, redhead, tall, thin, petite, AMAZON–it’s all there!

I want you to remember that your vastness renders cameras useless, and the sight of you would make even the mountains lose their breath.

-Whitney Hanson

Don’t Project It On Your Partner.

Hey, if they caused you to feel a certain way about your body, that’s another story altogether. If you’re in a healthy relationship, they most likely did not.

Your partner chose to love you. Give them some grace, and ask for them to give you some, too! It’s perfectly normal to have feelings of inadequacy in a relationship, but they can be resolved with love and patience on both sides.

Be open with them, so they can understand. If it’s affecting your relationship, remember that your partner loves you. They fell in love with you and your body as it already was, and that’s incredibly special! Give them some grace and trust that they do actually want to sleep with you.

Oh, and let your partner touch you in the spots you hate. In my experience, they do so because they like them!

Honor your Multitudes, Loving Yourself

As for that old photo of myself? I can still see that  photo, adjacent to my newly fit friend, in my 20s–it’s burned in my brain. My weight has fluctuated through the years. As a woman who has been each size from 8-22, I have had many struggles with my body, and am learning to embrace the flaws. At every size, there is someone telling you that you’re not good enough somewhere. The only escape you can make is by making a choice. You must make a choice to consciously un-learn self-hatred.

Look at the people you love. Are you judging their fat rolls? Do you think less of them for their stretch marks? Remember, those who love you do not see your imperfections the way you do. You’re sexy and whole, and full of flaws and beauty.

God, have you ever SEEN your smile? You do this thing when you laugh! It makes me grin from ear to ear. 🥰.

Body positivity does have an impact on how we view ourselves sexually, and our overall self-esteem. Body acceptance comes with age, but can be created with intentional habits focused on the actual reality of your situation. Remember, you contain multitudes. Self-love may take a little work, but you deserve to love yourself as much as you deserve to receive love from others! And if you need more body positivity tips, you’ll love my friend over at Buzzing Babe, with a blog full of positive affirmations, and more sex toy reviews!

You are so much more than your body, and so much sexier than you even realize. Even then, your body is beautiful and worth the pleasure that life offers. You just have to believe it, accept it, and give yourself the grace and love you deserve.

@whitneyhansonpoetryi’ve been hard on myself lately and i wrote this because i needed it.♬ original sound – Whitney Hanson

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